If you’re going to be spending most of your time looking after other people this Christmas, you’re going to have to allow yourself time and space to rest before you collapse in a heap by the 31st (and unable to help anyone).

Focusing on others and not caring for yourself has a dark side too: leading to resentment as well as physical and emotional exhaustion.

Which of these common super-helper habits do you recognise?

 

1.   Enjoying hosting, gifting, serving, and doing it out of love
2.   Feeling guilty for taking a rest
3.   Saying yes to requests for help, even when your day is already full
4.   Finding it easer to get on and do it, than delegate it to someone else
5.   Believing that other people deserve to relax, so you take on all the chores yourself
6.   Even when people offer to help out, you tell them you’re fine and insist that they rest
7.   You take pride in doing things for others, and feel that because you can you should

For some of us, ‘tis the season to feel guilty! It’s that G word again.

Remember, as well as giving everyone else a good time, it’s your duty to take care of yourself. This doesn’t have to come wrapped in guilt.

You might have self-critical thoughts such as ‘I shouldn’t be so lazy‘, ‘I should be able to cope better‘, ‘I should have more energy!’

You have not done anything wrong – quite the opposite! If it helps you, you could view resting, not as being lazy, but as a way to replenish your energy levels so that you can keep on giving to others.

 

 

How can I get better at asking for help?

Many of us ignore our problems until it’s too late – especially if we are prone to focusing on others. Spot the signs that you need help and ask for it before it gets serious.

Help comes in four forms:

1. Resources (lending things or money)
2. Information (advising, teaching, etc)
3. Expertise (doing something for someone that they can’t do for themselves)
4. Support (listening, empathising, etc).

Communicate what sort of help you need, so they don’t launch into giving advice when you just want a sympathetic ear.

Go to the best person who can give you the form of help you need. You might borrow a spanner from a neighbour but never divulge your marital woes to them.

Don’t feel guilty. Real friends love and respect you, and don’t want to see you suffer. Anyone who habitually receives your help but never gives it is not a real friend, but a helpee.

 

Resting is an essential habit for a Super-Helper

Super-Helper’s see themselves as the busy doer: the person who does the giving, serving, hosting, cooking, cleaning, caring, etc. They do not see themselves as the one who rests and takes it easy.

Block out half an hour each day that you may need for well-deserved downtime. Pushing back is never easy. But if you are not protecting time for yourself, who will?

Seeing yourself as the doer is laudable, but remember that it is essential in all healthy relationships for you to rest too. Afterall, if you don’t replenish your energy, you won’t have anything left to give.

Ask for the gift of quality time doing something you find uplifting

Ask for the gift of time alone (and acknowledge any guilty feelings that arise even just while reading this)

Enrol support, make it their task to stop you from doing too much

Allocate chores to others to share the load

Stop doing the dishes alone and ask for help

Push back when you can’t help others, suggest they ask someone else

Notice your energy levels and take restful breaks before you really need them

Changing behaviours starts with changing your beliefs. Repeat after me…

 

“I deserve to have my own needs met”

 

 

ps. If you find it difficult to set boundaries, I wrote a book just for you!