So, you want to know more about self-sabotaging, right? Well today we’re going to be talking all about the thoughts that we have that leads to the self-sabotaging behaviours. Now you might not be stranger to your inner critic, especially if you’ve worked with me before. So, just to recap, the inner critic is that small, tiny, negative voice in your head telling you that you can’t. You can’t so why bother. You are not good enough. You are not slim enough. You are not pretty enough. You are not, XYZ, enough.
Essentially, that is your inner critic. You have helpful thoughts and unhelpful thoughts, and it’s these unhelpful thoughts that lead to your unhelpful self-sabotaging behaviours. Now the tricky thing about self-sabotaging, and the inner critic, is that we often do it unconsciously. We don’t always know that we’re doing it at the time. And like the inner critic, we don’t always hear it or are contentiously aware of it whilst it’s happening. And this makes it really difficult to then deal with or manage. So like in the first video where I go you to comment, and thank you so much to those of you who did. It’s brilliant to start the conversation. You’re not alone, we are not alone in this, right.
As difficult as it is to know how we self-sabotage, we have to identify those behaviours and then we have to identify the thoughts behind them. So you might, for example, be thinking, well, I really want to achieve this one thing and I’ve set myself this goal, but I failed in the past or it’s too much. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself, maybe it’s other peoples pressure? I don’t feel I can live up to it. I don’t really have the self-belief to see this through right now. And that in itself, well, it’s sad and it’s probably untrue, to be honest, because the majority of those people who self-sabotage are high achievers. You might not think you are at the moment, but if you looked at it on paper you probably are.
Take an example, okay. One of my recent coaching clients asked me to help her step into a much more senior role. She’s already a senior manager, and I’ll use the name Zoe because that’s the name that comes to mind, but that’s not her real name. So Zoe said, “Can you help me? “I have been at this middle management role “for about 10 years and all my managers and my team “and the way this company is designed, “suggests that I should be moving onwards by now. “Or, so I move upwards in the organisation “or I move out and I do something different, “or find a different job somewhere else.” Now, that’s a terrible structure to work within, but that was how she felt. She felt that she did actually want to stay working for this company and she was desperate to step up and take on a leadership role. Which would mean managing three times as many people as she already did, which didn’t particularly enjoy.
She didn’t feel that she had strong leadership capability. I soon helped her realise that she did. But a the time she didn’t feel she had that experience, she didn’t feel she was ever going to feel ready to step up and into this senior leadership role. So after working with Zoe for a few months we uncovered that she was holding herself back because of some of the limiting self-beliefs that she had had about herself, that inevitably, as sometimes they do, came from childhood. Different people in her childhood had said, “Oh, you probably shouldn’t try that, “you won’t be very good at it.” Anyway, so she had then adapted this belief, this limiting self-belief, to this particular role, saying, “You probably shouldn’t try “going for a senior leadership role “because you probably won’t be very good at it.” Okay, so that’s it in a nutshell. I could go much deeper and broader, but you know what I’m talking about, right? You probably even know somebody like this in this situation.
There’s actually nothing wrong with her ability. Nothing wrong with the ability to learn on the job, which is what most people do when they step up into a senior role they’ve not done before. But it was just the lack of self-belief holding her back. So she was self-sabotaging her own career. And wonderful to of received a email from her, just a few weeks, saying she had applied for the senior leadership role and she had won it. She’d actually been given that job that her managers had been saying and encouraging her to go for and now she’s in that role, she’s much happier. And grateful for the opportunity to have tried, to have had that extra support. ‘Cause that’s what we all need, when we’re self-sabotaging we need that extra hand holding, don’t we? We need someone to compassionately say, “It’s okay, you’ve got this. “Actually you’re fine, you’ll be okay, just try this. “Just try this new thing, if it doesn’t work, “actually it’s not going to be the worst thing in the world.” So that’s one of my messages for you today. Is to think to yourself, to notice what your self-limiting beliefs are that are holding you back.
I invite you to comment down because if you comment and you share it, you’re reducing your shame. I know it doesn’t feel like before you’ve done, but once you’ve done you’ll be like, “Oh that’s good, it’s out there now. “I’ve released that says of shame”, and the secrecy it holds on you. “And I know that I’m not the only person experiencing this.” And also by doing that, by commenting below, you’ll also encourage others to have the courage to say how they’re feeling and comment as well. Also it helps me because I can just answer your questions, and if you have any questions for me then obviously leave those in the comments box below too. You are noticing your unconscious, self-limiting beliefs: what are they? Make a note of them, become really good at noticing.
And the second thing I want impart with you today, is notice that your limiting self-beliefs, as powerful as they seem and as power as they have been in the past, and they might be holding you still, you know, making you feel really bad, making you feel frustrated, overwhelmed, making you feel like rubbish, making you feel like a failure, etc, etc. It’s actually something you can do something about. You don’t have to feel this way, you really don’t. You don’t deserve to feel this either.
Some of the most powerful transitions I’ve seen people go through when they’ve stop sabotaging, they get on their own side. And instead of acting through fear and being frozen in fear, they get on their onside, they develop the compassion and the courage to move forward. So my second part of my homework for you, okay, in this challenge in this video, is to be nice to yourself. How you can you reframe this limiting self-belief which is maybe saying something like, you can’t do this because or you shouldn’t even bother trying because or you’re never good enough or look at the last time XYZ.
How can you reframe that into something more realistic or positive? You might use the words like, I can or I will or I deserve to or I want to. I want to try this thing. Want to at least give it a go, so I don’t regret never having done it. So first thing is to leave a comment below on what self-limiting beliefs you currently have, or have had in the past. And second thing is to reframe it, how could you positively reframe it? And if you get stuck on that, that’s fine, just ask me, leave a comment down below and tag me in it.
Okay, and I’ll see you soon. The third video, I’ll share another case study with you. But I also want to tell you about how self-sabotaging can make you feel and another way of breaking that self-sabotaging cycle. So you can move into action. Okay. How to act in your own best interest. Right. So I look forward to seeing you then. Take care, you know, be nice to yourself, you deserve it.
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