Across the UK today 6.5 million people are carers, supporting a loved one who is older, disabled or seriously ill.
That’s written in large red font on the Carers UK website, followed by facts:
1 in 8 adults care, unpaid, for family and friends.
Every day 6,000 people become carers.
“Many of us are stretched to the limit”
Why am I telling you this? Because I recently spoke to staff and carers as part of the live online webinar I ran for Carers UK and I was blown away. It’s easy to say ‘unpaid carer’ and not really fully grasp what it means for many people.
Their website explains it best: “Our loved ones are living longer with illness or disability, and more of us are looking after them. Whether round-the-clock or for a few hours a week, in our own home or for someone at the other end of a motorway. Caring can have a huge effect on us, our lives and our plans.
Caring is such an important part of life. It’s simply part of being human. Carers are holding families together and enabling loved ones to get the most out of life. They are making an enormous contribution to society and saving the economy billions of pounds.
Yet many of us are stretched to the limit – juggling care with work and family life, or even struggling with poor health ourselves. We often find it difficult to make ends meet if we’re unable to work or if we’ve reduced our working hours to care.”
This is why I wanted to work with them…
The Healthy Helper Mindset
The webinar is called the Healthy Helper Mindset, and I draw from the research and interview data in my new book, The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People, that I’ve co-authored with my partner and fellow psychologist, Rod Vincent (out 29th September, with Flint Books, in hardback).
In the 45-minute interactive session I talk about the psychology of helping, and specifically why so many of us find it difficult to care for ourselves as well as we care for others.
Does this sound true for you?
Perhaps you do things like book medical appointments for others, but forget to book your own?
Do you feel guilty for taking breaks? When was the last time you had ‘time off’ away from your caring duties?
When was the last time you had time to yourself that was actually restful and re-energising?
Why you need to care for you
As a chartered psychologist I believe that our thoughts impact our behaviour (and vice versa), so I mention the four most common irrational beliefs that prevent us from looking after ourselves as well as we deserve. I then share some very practical ways in which we can begin to value ourselves as much as we value the person or people we’re caring for.
We then go on a journey through setting healthy boundaries, and how to assert yourself even in the most difficult of situations. Ultimately, I remind the audience of something they already know – that the better they care for themselves, the better they can care for others.
We talked about the creeping resentment we can feel when there’s an imbalance in the relationship, and how to manage this.
Isolation makes you feel worse
At the end of the session we had a live Q&A and long, honest, beautiful and moving group discussion about how easy it is to feel isolated, as if you’re the only one who feels exhausted, frustrated, self-critical, taken for granted, or even exploited. And how these feelings make you feel even worse – you’re now in a horrid self-loathing loop feeling utterly helpless, and instead of telling people how you really feel, and asking for help for yourself, you withdraw further and suffer in silence.
“As a professional I’m assertive, but as a carer
I become more passive and very passive about my own needs.” Unpaid Carer
I feel comfortable to write about this here because I had such great feedback from the session and I want to draw other’s attention to these themes – you are not alone.
Michael Shann, Head of Membership and Volunteering booked me for the webinar. Here’s what he said after the session:
“Jess delivered a fantastic webinar for unpaid carers focused on ‘managing boundaries’ as part of Carers UK’s series of Share and Learn sessions. It was one of our best attended sessions of the year and the carers found Jess’s insights and tips really valuable for exploring how they can be more assertive in allocating more time for their own health and wellbeing.”
For more on Carers UK, visit https://www.carersuk.org/how-you-can-help
For more about the book and to order your copy, visit jessbaker.co.uk/shsbookclub
If you are, or know, a carer, then you might be interested in my new book, The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People. Find out more about it here jessbaker.co.uk/shsbookclub or search Super-Helper Syndrome online for all the articles and reviews that others have written about it.
