Chartered Psychologists & Associate Fellows of the British Psychological Society.

Published by The History Press 2022

Translated into several languages.

It’s great to help other people but some of us go too far.

• You help in all aspects of your life – your job, family, friends, colleagues, clients, neighbours, volunteering, … an endless list.

• You struggle to say no to requests for help.

• Your relationships are lopsided – you help people but they seldom help you. You feel like you are the one making all the effort: remembering birthdays, keeping in touch, sending well-wishes for that job interview.

• You ask lots of questions of others but notice that they don’t show as much interest in you and your problems.

• You deny your own needs. You feel guilty looking after yourself. You put everyone else’s needs above your own.

• You get easily involved in other people’s drama. You’re constantly offering advice or trying to fix people.

• You are the one that everyone turns to – the first port of call when they are in distress

• People open up to you even when you’ve just met them. Strangers unload their whole life story – the delivery man, the waiter, the woman at the bus stop.

• You feel guilty if you are unable to help.

In our book we describe the Super-Helper Syndrome, where people feel compelled to help others but don’t look after their own needs.

Some of these people are in the helping professions but many of them aren’t. In the book we include interview excerpts with everyone from lawyers and accountants to self-employed mums, as well as teachers, nurses, therapists and social workers. What they have in common is that they are 360 degree helpers, helping in all aspects of their lives.

People who are susceptible to the Super-Helper Syndrome are all around us. They are the problem-solvers, the mediators, the fixers who can’t resist any opportunity to help. There is usually one in every family.

So why do some of us help so much? In the book we explore four possible reasons.

1/ Childhood messages: Being brought up to be a helper

Some children (especially girls) are taught that they must help other people in order to be a good person. If this socialisation is strong enough it can lead them to adopt what we call the Good Person Belief, one of the irrational beliefs that drive compulsive helping.

Here’s what interviewee said:
‘I got noticed when I was a good girl. Praise made me feel like I was good enough. I can see where my people-pleasing comes from. Thirty-seven years of autopilot is hard to break.’ Support Worker

It’s hardly surprising when children begin to internalise their parents’ and teachers’ messages. They see themselves as good when they help; they criticise themselves when they don’t. They feed off the praise and rewards. They live in fear of these being taken away. They are on the way to becoming a compulsive helper. Over time, the Good Person Belief becomes part of their operating system. Helping becomes habitual.

Childhood messages: Seeing the suffering from an early age

Other children are socialised by childhood messages that highlight the suffering around them or they grow up with role-models who attempt to alleviate that suffering. While it is understandable to want to do what we can to alleviate the suffering of others, when this is taken to extremes it can lead them to adopt another of the irrational beliefs, a sense of personal responsibility to help everyone you meet. Everyone else’s problem becomes your problem if you hold the Help Everyone Belief (the second irrational belief we describe in the book).

2/ Different levels of empathy

Yes, for some of us it is at least partly in our DNA. There is scientific evidence that helping can have a genetic component. Researchers have found that empathy is determined to some extent by our genes and have pinpointed the genes involved in this. But it’s important to remember that our helping behaviour isn’t entirely determined by our genes. It’s a result of the interaction of our genes and our environment. And as rational beings, we do have a choice over our behaviour: how much we help others, when and who we help and when to ignore the incessant ringtone of our empathy circuitry.

3/ Turning trauma around

Some people metamorphose into helpers as a result of childhood pain.

When we asked people why they became a helper, they often referenced their childhood. Many had experienced early deprivation or hardship. Some grew up with volatile or abusive parents. Childhood trauma doesn’t necessarily make people into helpers. It sculpts them in many forms. But it does shape compulsive helpers out of some of them. They move on from their trauma to become the problem- solver, the fixer, the go-to rescuer in the family. They move on from trauma to a career as an expert helper.

On example of this from our research was a dentist who described her mother as very hot and cold. She said it was the cold bits she remembered. She told us how she needed love but would get nothing from her mother and how that rejection has impacted her own awareness of others. ‘I don’t want to upset anyone; I want to do right by them and help people.’

4/ Circumstances

The fourth reason some people end up helping a lot is because someone else is dependent on them. They may or may not be a natural helper but the circumstances they find themselves in or the responsibilities they face mean that they have little choice.

Examples include looking after a child with Down’s syndrome, a grandfather who has had a stroke, a partner injured in a car accident. There are an estimated 6.5 million unpaid carers in the UK alone. Dependent relationships can also occur in the workplace. They are found across all occupations, where someone believes their patients, customers or the rest of the team couldn’t survive without them.